Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Mathematics of Wholeness

The past few years have been marked by divisions. We divided ourselves from control and manipulation, starting over in a new state, with new careers, believing we had a new life. We believed making money, having high speed careers and living inside the Beltway was our proof we had 'made it'. What we came to realize was the division caused a subtraction of security, relationships and trust-of God, our family and sometimes ourselves.

We relocated almost a year (!) ago back to Pennsylvania. We again divided ourselves from the life and friends we made in DC. We subtracted stuff as we added ourselves to my Father's life and home. We moved for a job. I was let go just short of three months. It took my husband over 8 months to find a job. It seemed as though our bank accounts and our spirits couldn't get any more less than zero.

We added ourselves for the first time in just short of a decade to a church family. This has brought a multiplication of challenges and blessings-sometimes all in the same day. Whereas before we had a small circle of people to share our small apartment and even smaller amount of free time; for the Memorial Day dessert party, there were 21 people (a function of only 4 families being invited) and we talked in the driveway until close to midnight.

I've added my own consulting business. Though it's less than a formal company, I'm working on a website and letterhead, it still calculates into the family budget. My own business equals time with the kids, a semi-flexible schedule and I get to pay some bills. Not bad.

In my own soul and spirit, there has been much subtraction of ideas and assumptions. I thought I was a bad mother, a function of the PPD to be sure, but my belief nevertheless. Shared smiles, giggles, hugs and messes are all factors in my new mothering equation. I assumed success was based on my own calculations and not on submitting to the One who knows the total before the opportunity even presents itself. I have divided myself from the rejection from my own mother. She is losing exponentially with each passing day, as the children grow at the speed of light. I no longer will lose because of her, though my heart aches for a mother of my own.

There is a mathematics to this wholeness in our lives. The right subtractions and the right additions at the right time have added up to so much, it takes my breath away. I love and even like my husband so much more than I ever have. I see him in the pulpit and in the office and in the yard with the kids and I see who he was created to be. I have whispered conversations before bed with my oldest son about who he will marry and how she will think he is awesome. These conversations and connections were simply unimaginable when our lives were ruled by commutes and commitments. I have joined the Mommy Mafia and seen friendship and care of me, my family and my spirit grow three fold. I see myself in my toddler's smile and know, even on my worst day, that he loves me and that everything will, eventually, add up.

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