Monday, October 19, 2009

Off the Rails to Get Back on Track

So, dear blogfriend, I haven't written in awhile. I have been completely off the rails. My eating plan of late? Eat as much as possible and wash it all down with Coca Cola. My exercise? Stretching to search through the cupboards for those cookies I KNOW I bought and hid a month ago. My sleep? In the chair while the kids watch toons. My poor husband has to suffer through my mood swings. I have been experimenting with all aspects of my temperment lately, and often at the same time (poor guy). I swing from being a marshmellow with a spongey center to being Hillary Clinton on steroids. Oy.

I've also been engaging in my favorite sport of late: depression fueled, anxiety driven, self-reflective navel gazing! My favoritest ever! It's that time in therapy/overcoming where we now are ready to tackle (drum roll please) MOTHER ISSUES!

How cliche. I mean really. However, one of my core issues deals with madness from the Motherland. If you have read this blog at all you would have noticed that indeed Mom and I aren't exactly doing each other's nails or sleeping over in fuzzy jammies. She ain't fuzzy and I often feel like nails on a chalkboard.

But it is time. It is time to overcome that aspect of my brokedown psyche/soul and move on.

Here's my newest and most precious revelation. It came to me in church yesterday. I had to go with only my oldest son, as the baby had a fever and weird goop in one eye. That combined with an early Steeler game and my recent loveliness of temperment, made my husband a more than willing stay at home dad yesterday.

So there I sat, beside my mother-goddess friend/island of serenity and sanity, Beth. The sermon was good. It was even great. My revelation, however, didn't really relate to that. Sorry PB.

It was this. Stay with me on this for a mo'.

Maybe, depite all the evidence to the contrary, the tough emotional history, the apparent lack of seratonin in my emotional swimming pool, the rejection from my mother-maybe, just maybe, I DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY. Maybe I can be normal, whole and healed. Maybe I can, and should, be an overcomer of all that nonsense. Maybe I AM NOT REALLY THAT DAMAGED LITTLE GIRL. Maybe I am a whole, strong, woman who happens to need a little fine tuning. Maybe, just maybe, underneath the veneer of craziness, is a person God created to be whole, happy and, well, ME.

Ironically, it sounds a little crazy to only now discover this seemingly obvious truth. To those of you who said, 'duh!', I understand. For me, it's the first time I really truly BELIEVE it. I can't yet see who I am on the other side (though I've had glimpses from other people). But I BELIEVE there is a ME inside there.

It only took me going off the rails to get back on track.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be an exciting ride!


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2 comments:

  1. Your Blog Spoke to my very SOUL and it was an Awesome encouragement. Visiting my mother this past 2 weeks, trying to help her has crushed me to the core of my being to realize that my Life is not hers and the end of my Life is not going to be a Repeat of hers. I have to just be ME, Chrisite Bee Jordan, anointed, beautiful, Confident, Strong and a Love of God and His People and most of all maintain the Good...A Servants Heart". I am not my mother, I am God's chosen mother of 4 gorgeous Kids and spiritual mother/sister to others! I'm determined to live the Blessed Life!"

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  2. You are a truly wonderful soul. I know this, because I've been reading your blog for some time. Be of good cheer. I KNOW your children are happy. I can hear it in the song of your blog. I know you can become happy too. I know in the mess of my own life there is tomorrow. I see that you see that too! Keep writing. I send you love.

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